I am currently going through one of my worst depressions I have had in a few years. I have, against all advice, isolated myself from practically everyone I know. I go to work, I wear my happy-face mask and I go home to bed.
Depression is, as far as I am concerned, a very selfish disease. It becomes all about you. Your pain, your apathy, you, you, you. In my case – me me me.
I have tried to reach out, to talk about what I am going through but the people around me seem to either not get it, or make me feel even worse than I did before I opened my mouth.
I know that emotions lie. I am living a huge lie at the moment. The lie that says I can’t cope, and yet I get up every day and go to work. The lie that says I am worthless, and yet I have friends that I can regularly keep in touch with. The lie that I am all alone, and yet I get texts now and then from friends.
Rationally, I know and recognise the lie… my heart hears it though, and it believes it. And so I fight, minute for minute – to exist – to not give up – to make it through the day.
I don’t know if I am going to make it out this one. But I have decided to not think too far ahead. I will live minute by minute until maybe, one day I will wake up and realise that this dark cloud has left.
Maybe one day I will feel something other than pain again…