I am currently going through one of my worst depressions I have had in a few years.  I have, against all advice, isolated myself from practically everyone I know.  I go to work, I wear my happy-face mask and I go home to bed.

Depression is, as far as I am concerned, a very selfish disease.  It becomes all about you. Your pain, your apathy, you, you, you.  In my case – me me me.

I have tried to reach out, to talk about what I am going through but the people around me seem to either not get it, or make me feel even worse than I did before I opened my mouth.

I know that emotions lie.  I am living a huge lie at the moment.  The lie that says I can’t cope, and yet I get up every day and go to work.  The lie that says I am worthless, and yet I have friends that I can regularly keep in touch with.  The lie that I am all alone, and yet I get texts now and then from friends.

Rationally, I know and recognise the lie… my heart hears it though, and it believes it.  And so I fight, minute for minute – to exist – to not give up – to make it through the day.

I don’t know if I am going to make it out this one.  But I have decided to not think too far ahead.  I will live minute by minute until maybe, one day I will wake up and realise that this dark cloud has left.

Maybe  one day I will feel something other than pain again…

One day…

 

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One thought on “Fighting through

  1. You made it in the past; you will make it this time. Just keep living one day at a time.
    When the darkness seems too deep, cry out to God, just say anything to Him, tell Him exactly how you feel; if you want to yell, do so….
    I wish you a quick recovery.

    Like

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