Fighting through

I am currently going through one of my worst depressions I have had in a few years.  I have, against all advice, isolated myself from practically everyone I know.  I go to work, I wear my happy-face mask and I go home to bed.

Depression is, as far as I am concerned, a very selfish disease.  It becomes all about you. Your pain, your apathy, you, you, you.  In my case – me me me.

I have tried to reach out, to talk about what I am going through but the people around me seem to either not get it, or make me feel even worse than I did before I opened my mouth.

I know that emotions lie.  I am living a huge lie at the moment.  The lie that says I can’t cope, and yet I get up every day and go to work.  The lie that says I am worthless, and yet I have friends that I can regularly keep in touch with.  The lie that I am all alone, and yet I get texts now and then from friends.

Rationally, I know and recognise the lie… my heart hears it though, and it believes it.  And so I fight, minute for minute – to exist – to not give up – to make it through the day.

I don’t know if I am going to make it out this one.  But I have decided to not think too far ahead.  I will live minute by minute until maybe, one day I will wake up and realise that this dark cloud has left.

Maybe  one day I will feel something other than pain again…

One day…

 

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Hope vs Acceptance

My last post was about acceptance and how it brings peace.  Maybe I was speaking more to myself than to anyone else.  You see, there is something I need to accept.  In fact, there are a few things I need to accept.

Living in a small town, without any living family, I get lonely but age 38, I have started to realise that there is quite a big and distinct possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone.

I find this thought daunting to say the least.  My biggest desire since I can remember, was/is to have a family of my own.  You know?  Husband and kids, throw in a labrador and a picket fence and there we go.

Somewhere inside me lives a little bitch called hope that rears her head constantly while I struggle to accept the facts.  The facts are as follows – the town I live in does not have good decent men my age. Most guys are much younger or married or gay.

I have visited churches and they all cater for the following types:  young families and young working people and students.  No catering for singles of my age!  It is like we just don’t exist… or even sadder – that there are none, with the exception of myself.

Most of my friends are married.  I went through the stage in my late 20s and early 30s where everybody my age got married.  Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, as they say.

Now I am at the stage where all my younger friends are getting married.  I have been invited (in one week) to 4 weddings. that’s right. 4 weddings.  Weddings of people much younger than me.

Sometimes I try to sit and figure out what I am doing wrong.  I tried online dating and was stalked so that is not an option for me.  I tried joining a photography club – everyone was in their 50s and married and though I enjoyed it, I had to give it up when my camera was stolen.

Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that maybe God is punishing me for the bad choices I made in the past, or that God is protecting people from me. Because who would want someone overweight that suffers with depression?

Even the therapist I see now and then has told me that the chances of meeting someone in this town are slim. Coming from an expert, that says a lot.

My prayer at the moment is that I would be able to accept being alone, that I wouldn’t be so lonely that I cry myself to sleep each night, that I wouldn’t have to go to sleep at 6pm so I won’t be depressed about being so so alone.

I don’t know if God is listening.  I sometimes wonder if I have wasted over 10 years of my life serving someone who either doesn’t care, or doesn’t exist… but that is a post for another day.

Some days, like today, I am overwhelmed by sadness and defeat. Other days it is bearable.  In the Bible it speaks of Paul having a thorn in his flesh.  Maybe this is mine. Maybe I need to wrestle like Jacob until I can accept it.

As TD Jakes once said – never trust a man without a limp!