My last post was about acceptance and how it brings peace. Maybe I was speaking more to myself than to anyone else. You see, there is something I need to accept. In fact, there are a few things I need to accept.
Living in a small town, without any living family, I get lonely but age 38, I have started to realise that there is quite a big and distinct possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone.
I find this thought daunting to say the least. My biggest desire since I can remember, was/is to have a family of my own. You know? Husband and kids, throw in a labrador and a picket fence and there we go.
Somewhere inside me lives a little bitch called hope that rears her head constantly while I struggle to accept the facts. The facts are as follows – the town I live in does not have good decent men my age. Most guys are much younger or married or gay.
I have visited churches and they all cater for the following types: young families and young working people and students. No catering for singles of my age! It is like we just don’t exist… or even sadder – that there are none, with the exception of myself.
Most of my friends are married. I went through the stage in my late 20s and early 30s where everybody my age got married. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, as they say.
Now I am at the stage where all my younger friends are getting married. I have been invited (in one week) to 4 weddings. that’s right. 4 weddings. Weddings of people much younger than me.
Sometimes I try to sit and figure out what I am doing wrong. I tried online dating and was stalked so that is not an option for me. I tried joining a photography club – everyone was in their 50s and married and though I enjoyed it, I had to give it up when my camera was stolen.
Sometimes the thought crosses my mind that maybe God is punishing me for the bad choices I made in the past, or that God is protecting people from me. Because who would want someone overweight that suffers with depression?
Even the therapist I see now and then has told me that the chances of meeting someone in this town are slim. Coming from an expert, that says a lot.
My prayer at the moment is that I would be able to accept being alone, that I wouldn’t be so lonely that I cry myself to sleep each night, that I wouldn’t have to go to sleep at 6pm so I won’t be depressed about being so so alone.
I don’t know if God is listening. I sometimes wonder if I have wasted over 10 years of my life serving someone who either doesn’t care, or doesn’t exist… but that is a post for another day.
Some days, like today, I am overwhelmed by sadness and defeat. Other days it is bearable. In the Bible it speaks of Paul having a thorn in his flesh. Maybe this is mine. Maybe I need to wrestle like Jacob until I can accept it.
As TD Jakes once said – never trust a man without a limp!
