I like structure in my life. I need to know where I stand and I hate surprises. Unfortunately life doesn’t work like that. My friend didn’t expect her car to break down last week. I am sure nobody welcomes cancer. But life happens.
I recently wrote a piece about a little boy I knew with cancer. At that stage, they gave him a few days to live.
I hate that feeling of powerlessness. The feeling that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change anything. I always want to fix things.
I have the knack of questioning everything. I want answers and explanations. I want to understand. But understanding can’t change what has already happened.
I once read a true story of a woman who was involved in a car accident. She always wanted to be in control of everything. As she was driving she turned her head to see a truck hurdling towards the side of her car.
She knew she was going to die so she just relaxed and closed her eyes. Relaxing was what saved her life. She climbed out of the wreckage without a scratch. That was when she realised that she couldn’t control everything. The accident changed her life. She learned to let go.
I don’t accept negative change very well. Spiritually, I was taught that we have authority over evil and we have to exercise that authority. But sometimes it doesn’t work. All of my prayers and fasting have not saved that little boy, just as it didn’t save my mom. I am slowly learning to let go.
Sometimes there is nothing we can do to change a situation. I didn’t ask to be attacked and sometimes I still wonder where God was. No super-spiritual answer anyone gives me seems to suffice. It is something I wrestle with but maybe it’s time I let it go.
There are times when it is good to fight and not give in. Jacob wrestled with God even though he had a dislocated hip and God eventually blessed him because of it. His life and even his name was changed. I once heard someone say “never trust a man without a limp” and I tend to agree but…
Sometimes fear holds us back. It could be fear of the unknown or fear of losing something precious. I know that fear too well.
The last stage of the cycle of grief is acceptance. Without acceptance, we can’t move on. Sometimes acceptance brings us the peace we are fighting for. Sometimes it is the giving over that saves us and sets us free.
I wish I had an “A-B-C” plan to follow but I guess that would be too easy. I want to make a list of the things I can’t let go of, the lost battles I am fighting. I don’t know when I will get to it and I don’t know if I am ready for it or if I ever will. Maybe one day…