Today is not inspirational or deep. It is a rant. You’ve been warned.
So I’ve spent about a week fighting a virus that has kept me in bed and today is my first day back at work. I think I should have rather stayed in bed, to be honest.
Yesterday, I was hit by an incredibly bad depression, a bleakness that just descended out of nowhere and I eventually took a few sleeping pills and crawled into bed and tried to think happy thoughts.
In the midst of this blackness, I didn’t think I was going to make it to see today. It was one of my worst. And then I realised – it came out of rejection. A friend had stood me up and not visited as planned or even let me know they couldn’t make it.
Rejection and the fear thereof, is something I have always struggled with. I don’t know if it gets better – does it? It debilitates me sometimes and makes me oversensitive. But I keep all my emotions hidden from people, in case they judge me, in case… In case I get rejected again. Because unfortunately, that’s what the majority of people, esp religious ppl, do.
I sometimes end up feeling worthless and alone and sometimes hope just fades away. I end up wrestling with God about why my life sucks, why I don’t have family, why I am stuck in this pit that I can’t get out of, and of course why He even decided to make me in the first place if he knew life was going to be so hard.
Sometimes I want to throw something at him and scream and shout. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in a bad marriage. But I don’t throw things, or scream or shout. I keep quiet, I keep it all inside.
All I do then, is ask that I won’t wake up the next day. That he would let me die in my sleep.
Please note that not all of my days are like this. some are actually good, some days I feel like I am okay… but some days…
I don’t know how I am going to sort this crap out with God. I don’t know how to get out of this constant struggle I seem to be in. All I want to do is sleep. Today I want to sleep and not wake up.
I have not shared any of this with my friends. They don’t even know that I have a new blog. I don’t want lectures, or judgement. I just want to get it out on paper so it can’t suck my soul dry anymore.
I just want to sleep… forever