What if we could go back?  Back to just before we were conceived and sit around a table with God and such, and discuss our options?  What if we got to live the life of our choosing, instead of the life we were thrown into? What colour eyes would I choose, what colour skin?  Where would I live?  What would my family look like? Which continent? Which country? Which city? What kind of education? Would I choose to be arty and creative or would I choose to be predominantly left-brained? What if I could draw a map with specifics?  Could I choose to marry, choose the kids I would have?  Would I be allowed to decide whether or not death ever reared its head in my life or would the ones I love, live forever?

My gran used to have a saying… “wish in one hand and crap in the other…” and I guess that is what is all comes down to.  We can’t change our past, or the circumstances of our births or childhoods.  I wish I could.  Being a control freak, I would have chosen a totally different life.. maybe.

The problem with this is the following – If I had chosen a different life, I would have missed out on some amazing people like my Grandmother who practically raised me.  I can’t imagine a life without her in it and I don’t want to.  Yes, there are a lot of things I would change if I could.  My mom would be stable.  She would have loved me.  She would have been a real mother.  I would have known my biological father and he would have loved me and supported me.  We would have been a family.

But I can’t change the past.  I can only live for now and work towards a better future.  If this means therapy, by all means.  If it means changing myself for the better, I’m game.

It isn’t easy to change how I think and react, coming from a lifetime of abuse and rejection but I can try.  Baby steps ought to do it.  After all, how do you eat an elephant? Bite by bite!

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