I had a great weekend – went away with two great friends. We did a lot, went everywhere and laughed until we cried… And yet..
There were times that I felt like I was outside looking in. It started with one of them making it plain that they don’t agree with my choice to have a platonic friendship with an older married man whom I have only met once in real life. (Incidentally, he has turned out to be my bestie in the past two years or so that I have known him, albeit via email and text.)
I didn’t quite know how to handle the situation with this critical friend and so I kept quiet and have been bottling it up ever since.
Have you ever had a connection with someone that you can’t explain? That’s how it is with my bestie. We are very much alike and think the same way. I feel like it’s the first time in my life that someone gets me. I mean REALLY gets my soul. I don’t have to pretend to have it altogether. He was there for me when I had a breakdown. When nobody visited me when I got out of hospital, he emailed me each day to encourage me. He is the one who understands my depression and knows the depths I sink to, not her. To her, I am the clown. Always happy and laughing and joking around. She doesn’t know about all the times I think of ending it all, all the times I am so desperately alone in that big house of memories that I cry myself to sleep. She doesn’t know of the fear I have of men in general and the fear that wells up every day when I have to go home to an empty house, esp since someone is targeting my house for break-ins. The police have actually told me to move out, but I can’t afford it yet. She doesn’t see the hurt and sore I carry around with me every day, the pain that is always there. The sadness that seems to saturate my soul. I tried to share my feelings with her once and she got bossy and said I am not allowed to feel like I do. I know she was trying to help, but she doesn’t get it…
But my bestie does – he knows everything. From my religious beliefs (which he doesn’t share) to my fears to all the traumas I have been through. He doesn’t judge. He just loves me as a friend, unconditionally.
We talk about everything from religion to sex and periods to politics and literature. I am safe in this friendship in a way I have never experienced before and I have grown as a person and the way I see men in general is changing. God is using this man to point out to me exactly what I would like in a husband one day, should I ever be lucky enough to marry. To me, this friendship is nothing funny…
Because I have been friends with another married guy and his wife since 1998 and I am also better friends with him than with her. She gets it. She doesn’t feel threatened because she knows my heart and she knows her husband is a good man who adores his family.
I don’t actually know where I am going with this post. My friend’s exact words were “you are having a fling with a married man. Shame on you.” I was really stunned because it isn’t like that at all. I am hurt that that is what she thinks of me. (Later in the weekend she also mentioned that she thinks I could manipulate to get my own way, which is exactly the opposite of what I am.) I realised that I have been friends with someone who really doesn’t know me at all. I realised that my heart is not safe in that friendship. I am contemplating the idea of talking to her about how it made me feel, but I am wary of conflict.
I have decided to withdraw a bit and give the friendship some space for now. Maybe until I feel better… and then I might talk to her. I really don’t know.
What I do know is that I needed to put these words and these feelings onto paper, so to speak and to get them out of me and that is what I have done.
So thanks for reading this rant. The inspirational stuff seems to have dried up today.